Monday, August 29, 2011

Hakbang Mula Sa Nakaraan

A note written two years ago. This composition used to make me cry.. I just miss Colegio San Antonio and the people who used to be in it. 

     Unang hakbang sa pag-aaral. Wala kang ideya kung ano ang ituturo sa iyo, basta ang alam mong masarap ang naghihintay sa'yo pagdating ng recess. Ito ang araw na hindi mo pinapalampas. Mga bagong kalaro, unang guro, at syempre suot mo ang bagong-bago mong black shoes, malit na backpack, maraming bagong tasa na lapis at bagong pad ng papel.

    Ikalawang hakbang. Na-realize mo na lumiliit at sumisikip na ang sapatos at kailangan mo na bumili ng triple sa size mo noon. Kailangan mo na rin ng malaking backpack. Hindi na lapis ang dala mo kundi ballpen na may iba't ibang kulay at malaki na rin ang papel na dala mo. Ibang laro na din ang natutunan mo, yung tipong hindi ka na hinahabol ni Ms. Gavar at Ms. Garcia noon, kundi tatakutin ka naman ng mahabang stick ni Ms. Tuazon sa kaingayan mo. Nakita mo kasi ang crush mo. Inasar ka sa mababang grade mo sa Math dahil hindi ka nakinig kay Ms. Endrinal. Bukod sa medyo malaki mong baon, malaki at mahal na din ang tinda sa canteen. Marami kang ate at kuya na sinasalubong sa hallway.

    Bago na naman ang sapatos mo. Mas malaki na sa dati, bukod sa nawakwak ang unahan nito, masikip na naman, ikatlong hakbang ka na pala. Nagkakaroon ka na ng pimples na sadya namang kinaiinis mo. Ikaw na ang ate at kuya ngayon. Iba na ang mga guro mo, mas mahihirap ang subjects. Halos malito ka kakaisip kung paano mo ipagbabalance sa debit at credit sa trial balance ang mga numerong binigay ni Ms. Tapang. Humahanga ka sa Math at maiisip mong may magical notebook si Ms. Castillo. Sasakit ang tyan mo kakatawa sa klase ni Ms. Ballecer, kung saan lumilipad ng notebook ng mga lalaki mong kaklase. Nasisiyahan ka sa malikhaing pasulatin ni Ms. Ricarte at ni Sir Allan. At kung gaano mo ipinagdasal ang Biology ni Ms. Paglicawan, mag-rorosaryo ka sa hirap ng formula sa Physics ni Ms. reyes. Hahanga ka sa pagkanta ni Ms. Pabora. At talagang babasahin mo ang kabanata ng El Fili dahil kinakabahan kang may pop quiz si Sir Ricky. Napakinggan mo ang iba't ibang awitin sa pamamagitan ni Sir BJ na laging masayahing kumakanta at syempre mas gusto mong mag mag-computer hindi dahil may hands-on activity kay Ms. Gregarte, Ms. Ayuste at Sir Kent, kundi dahil sa lamig na talaga namang makakatulog ka. Ang paggawa ng malikhaing art na sadyang ayaw na ayaw mo ang natutunan mo kay Sir Quiohilag at nabanat ang mga buto sa exercises ni Ms. Layoso. Ineenjoy mo din ang activities at parties kung saan sinasayaw ka ng crush mo. kabado tuwing kuhanan ng card dahil hindi mo na naman sigurado kung kasali ka pa sa Top 5. Ang pagkapanalo nyo sa cheering, ang JS na walang kapantay at ang masasayang araw mo kasama ang barkada mo.

   Hapon, pagdating mo sa eskwela, naroon ang barkada mo. Masaya sila. Sumali ka sa picture-taking at nagsimula na ang graduation march. Nakita mo ang nanay mo na masayang-masaya habang kinukuha mo ang diploma mo sa stage. Pagkatapos, nagpaalam ka at tumuloy kayo sa pinakamalapit na Max's restaurant. Kinabukasan paggising mo, graduate ka na pala. Maraming tanong ang nasa isip mo, naglalaro at nagpapalito. Hindi mo alam kung saan maghahanap ng sagot. Binuksan mo ang Friendster account ng batch nyo, naluha ka at naalala ang mga nabuong alaala sa mga litratong iyon. Doon mo lang na-realize na hindi na pala sila ang katawanan mo sa susunod na araw, hindi na ang mga dating mong guro ang magtuturo sayo ng maraming bagay, hindi na ang mga pagkain na kinasasawaan mo ang kakainin mo tuwing recess. Wala ka nang babasahing kontrobersyal na vandalism sa CR sa tuwing papasok ka doon, wala nang mapapanood na suntukan sa lunch, wala nang patagong pagkuha ng picture ng crush mo, wala ng pang-aasar ng kaklase at wala ka nang aasarin, DAHIL GRADUATE KA NA. Iba na ang eskwelahan na papasukan mo, at hindi ka na gagawa ng nirereklamo mong assignments at pagrereview sa quiz mo kinabukasan. At aminin mo man o hindi, marami kang pinagsisihan.

    Pasukan. Nasa ikaapat na hakbang ka na. Wala ng service na maghahatid sayo. Iba na ang black shoes at iba na ang bag mo. Dumami ang pimples mo na tila makakabuo ng constellation of stars. Iba na naman ang guro mo at wala kang kaibigan na makakausap. Parang bumalik ka lang sa unang hakbang, kaya lang malaki ka na at wala ng baon sa recess na luto ng nanay mo na hinihintay mo.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Hear me

My thoughts are all jumbled up these past few weeks. Struggling over my grade in Philippine Constitution, keeping my grades on the right track, setting my priorities, trying not to be distracted by something or someone, dealing with my parents, and trying to let myself do something worth the risk.

I was trying to get grades this semester not lower than 2.75 (4 being the highest and 1 being the lowest), for the reason that I just want to make my parents see that everything they've worked for is coming to a good end. And yes, I want them to be proud of me.. again. Since I never picked any of their desired courses for me, they think that the life pattern I chose for myself wouldn't lead me to something I and they could be proud of. Unfortunately, I just broke my pledge. Humiliatingly, I got 1.00 in Philippine Constitution, a course that'll make you bump your head on the wall and cry a river of blood. Thus, after seeing my grade and knowing I passed, I felt so relieved, the best relief I've ever had in my entire life and all I can say is "Thank you, Lord!" But looking back, it felt like I didn't try hard enough to achieve what I was dying to aim for.

"Mahirap magpalaki ng magulang" I heard my friend sang this line of a song. Turns out we children aren't always the one that has to be raised after all. Somehow, it's true, our parents can be inconsiderate at times. I've been convincing my Mom to allow me to go watch Peter Pan, play remake by Sam Concepcion, but she never gave me a chance to explain why I badly want to watch that play. Her condition was I had to be with my Dad, but I want to watch that play with my friends and it's not like I'm 12 that has to have adult supervision all the time. I can still remember my Dad told me that he'll buy me tickets himself, but with Mom did all the talking, my plan of seeing my ultimate celebrity crush onstage suddenly fade away. But of course, I know they're only being protective of me and that I understand.

Writing newspaper articles was one of the reasons why I loved highschool. Seeing your work be put into something people could cultivate from is something I can say I'm proud of. It served as my training ground to be an efficient writer, and I'm forever grateful to my mentor/teacher/friend, Sir BJ, for opening my mind into the world of journalism. And as I enter my college life, I never left my desire to write and share what I have in mind. Heraldo Filipino, DLSU-D's school publication, was cutting right through me. I had all the time I need to get an exam but I refused to because of one major reason.. rejection. I hate rejection more than I hate having period every month. I hate rejection more than anything. And now, I have the chance to prove myself and to not let down the people who believed in me, I just hope and pray that I'll make it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and taking a leap of faith.