I asked the exact question over dinner to my friends few weeks ago. Sharing where your heart stands seems to be a favorite topic almost everywhere I go. It's the kind of talk that gets everyone hyped to listen and share their stories. Everyone in the table had their fair share of kwento. One of them even said "I'm emotionally available." Some has this complicated status where they act like a couple but to them, they're just friends. While one of my friends just blushed at the thought of the question. But when they shoot me back the question, I hesitated to answer. Kamusta nga ba ang puso ko? I simply replied, "Walang laman. Pero masaya naman." I wasn't lying.
Sometimes it's quite boring that I don't long for someone. I wake up every morning without the thought of someone's face. Before I go to bed, I think about the breakfast I'm about to make the next day for myself and not picture someone as I hug my pillow (creeeepers). I don't constantly check my phone anticipating a text from someone. When I hear a song with all the lovey dovey feels, I think of no one. Hah grabe.
I guess I'm okay with where my heart stands right now, but should I settle for just "okay"?
I've been restricting myself to fall deeply in love with someone because when I fall in love, like legit, it will be FOREVER. And I'm not just giving reference to Nat King Cole's song, believe me. That's what concerns me. I get too attached and hung up on someone way too much. But the thing is, I don't show it. I tend to conceal my attachment. I would just curl up in my bed and have a constant party in my mind about that person.
Some may think that my life is an open book, but the truth of the matter is, when it comes to my feelings, I'm very secretive.
"Masaya. Kasi hindi mo naman kailangan ang ibang tao para masaya ang puso mo. Dapat alam mo sa sarili mo kung paano mo mapapasaya ang puso mo kasi kung hindi at nakadepende ka sa iba, magugulat ka na lang kasi hindi mo alam kung kailan ka magiging malungkot. At kung mawala man 'yong taong 'yon, mapapaisip ka na lang kung yung saya na nararamdaman mo dati ay mararamdaman mo pa ba."
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This entry has been sitting in my drafts for almost a year now. And if I ask myself the same question, I'd still answer the same. Hmm.. should I be concerned?
